Plagiarize My Face

consent to occasionally taking a bottle
until this dress thing blows over...

What color is this dress

with 2 delightful strings attached?

We all, like Disney, draw lines somewhere.

NOOOO SPOCK WHY

do a better job of communicating in the

   short term

to release the order to the Federal

   Register?

obvs the dress is white and gold but

I see a white and gold dress

to celebrate Go Texan day while

the kind of thoughtless rage that has

   consumed

a whole box of Girl Scout cookies

goes to twitter and clicks follow

this type of ignorance that

is quite inspirational. Go

finally, dope as a team,

team white and gold.

I see black and blue

have no faith in humanity.

I see blue and black but

instead of a trash option in

triumph in yet another

reality show-style scene with table-flipping

what song you were conceived to,

a giant of my childhood,

back alley dealings and underhanded tactics

have a problem with the word “fuck”.

Daddy's job to teach the babe how to make

me some weird glucose numbers

capable of being ashamed.

Bombarded with robotic emails of people

weirder than Texas,

I finally decided to take the

student loan payments easier to manage.

I’m kidding. Unicorns are totally real.

This isn’t a joke.

Experience the magic with me:

disprove science with family photos

the commuter rail is functioning as poorly

   as.

I started using these at work

for a fun drive home,

an "affordable" city to live in

for someone tomorrow. You could look

for a higher up at this company, and I am

THIS DING DANG DRESS!

Why is this dress trending?

I just used my boobs to

shoot her every minute of her life.

The most amazing thing I've ever seen

now produces more porn than steel.

Having facial hair, I finally

use the dress in a sentence.

I Vulcan Salute you sir!!

Basically no dress color posts

retired as a full bird Colonel.

Amazing Easter Sunday with my
beautiful Easter Day today.
Happy Easter from the
Easter Peeps.
My Easter presents
Easter Vigil:
such a good Easter.

Jesus sayeth unto yall "git blazed u
army of marshmallow peeps.
Spirit in the Sky by
a really old guy just
got nothing on her
and can't talk to you."

I spent days working on
being "That Christian,"
cause I'm super duper
deep and multifaceted and
want to be midazzzled
with my future father-in-law
like the space station,
like Santa came.
 

A little gift from God
hoping those maids step it up
like my mothers
get trashed and leave my kid in
the egg hiding a little too
prepared to Fail.

Has there been traffic on fuckin
with my parents on Easter?
Did the Easter bunny bring me
egg dyeing
to lick the paddle of this
alcohol in 40 days?

a particularly meaningful night to be
= similar existential
jack about me as a
Roman soldier turned
mother via email.
 

When the clock turns 4/20
I have to testify.
Houston Easter smells like
4/20 festival in the Haight!!
 

in honor of Mother's Day.....let's just say

one giant homage to the mothers 

got real at hooters






First Mother's Day wore

a good day to wear a dress,

to pretend nothing is happening

like a hoarding lush.


Skewers for dessert please.
Bring your mom!

Happy Mother's Day,

HAppy Mothers Day

Happy mother's day

Happy mothers day

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!!

Happy Mothers Day!

Happy mother's day,

Happy mother's day,

Happy Mother's Day!!

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!



HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO

THE MOTHER'S DAY GOOGLE DOODLE

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!

PROGRESS



Mother's Day.. I have mixed feelings about

attempts to reform Mother's Day
.
So Sara-Mom, here's to you.

Going to fuckin kill you

.

Happy Mother's Day to the amazing

Happy Mom's Day to all the

Happy Mother's Day to

my new baby!



I carry your truths in my

Happy Mother's Day to my
Happy Mothers Day to my
Happy Mother's Day to my
wonder, humor, or voyeurism.



Shout out to the Mamas!
Shout out to my mommy
Happy Mother's Day mommy

Pre Mothers Day with
hazpy mother's day.
Happy Mother's Day to her
Happy Mother's Day to a
Happy Mother's Day my

Happy Mother's Day to the most
Happy Mothers Day to the best
Happy Mother's Day to all the
Happy Mother's Day to all
Happy Mothers day to my

Such a special Mother's Day with
she looooves me like a
Liking™ everyone's mom.

My Mommy you'll be
Mother's Day. We were
the two luckiest kids in the
anonymizing proxy.

I have the best
favorite thing about
what a mother can do.

We have to get mom tickets
for mothering
Mother's Day 2014.

Happy Mother's Day, Mama.
Happy Mother's Day
to private citizens.

Happy Mother's Day,
Happy Mother's Day to
Happy Mother's Day to my
Happy Mother's Day to all the
Happy Mother's Day to my beautiful
Happy Mother's Day to the classiest
Happy Mother's Day to two very special
Happy Mother's Day to the most fabulous
Happy Mother's Day to the worlds greatest
Happy birthday and Mother's Day to the best
Happy Mother's Day to the most beautiful and
   courageous

AND Happy Mother's Day to my beautiful, loving,
   amazing
Happy Mothers Day to this beautiful butterfly of a
Happy Mother's Day to all the incredibly selfless
Happy Mother's Day to the most stylish
Happy Mother's Day to the greatest
Happy Mother's Day to my amazing
Happy Mother's Day to the best
Happy Mother's Day to all the
Happy Mother's Day to all
Happy mothers day to my
Happy Mother's Day!!!

Happy Mother's Day to my
me as a kid and I I hope to become half.

Happy Mother's Day,
how special mothers are
to be this little guy's mom
and allowing me to marry
this ones mommy!

No mater how Metal you think
you make me feel special
classical is so metal.

Got really lucky in the mom department
wants to give his momma a little
privilege of being their mom.

Blessed me with this beautiful little
big heart and unconditional love.

Now let me throw you money,
being a new Mom and being
run like a mother!
My sister and I are so close!

The adorable mommy pictures

the best expression of how I feel.

Some pictures of us having mother

bless that man and his amazing

contact with Marvel people,

with random old guys like I do.
 


Don't horseshit me.

You're being annoying and

explaining Michael Sam to your kids

about sums it all up.



Will a locker room *really* accept

breaking in my new tube 

on male and female genetalia?



Solo. Yolo.

It was so much fun!!

A beautiful tribute to his mother:

‪#‎health ‪#‎healthylife ‪#‎fitlife ‪#‎fitmom

Good for the rams.





"I know I speak for everyone …"
Succumb to the plastic nightmare.
Let the oscars begin!

The Oscars have been trying to
take a shot every time
my wedding photographer died
and Twitter has crashed.

Blob conforms to
how much toxic waste that was still in me.
Of course I started to tear up
the only one to thank God.

Holy king cake this is so yummy!
Oscars what now? Happy Bacchus!

I predict Gravity
is a must watch for any
listening to Dark Side of the Moon.

I feel bad for any bald man
listening to Spike Jonze.

HEY YOU GUYS
Bette Middler really
tried to warn us...
when Barbara Hershey dies
the road home today
will be better to be home.

P!nk took 5 seconals
night 2 of the cookoff.
13 hardman points for everyone
chugging for the
happy Mardi gras y'all.
Yay, we met Mickey!

All I want for Christmas is for Leonardo to
like to ride the E.T. ride at Disney
   Somewhere,
complete with flamboyant imaginary
   feather-boa gestures
while doing some online shopping at
   Banana Republic.

You win this round,
Oscars drinking game
didn't quite work for me.

I give partial credit to Coach
Kevin Spacey, so far, wins
my date for The Oscars
is getting dominated as she is
like Burt Reynolds, there's only one thing
someone is pooped after
swimming in powder!

Happy eyes, unhappy nose!
John Travolta used to have eyes.
The only way to watch a movie.

Charlize wins best
Leto's brother ...
so clearly that's
Dallas buyer's Club.

I won an Oscar nbd.
Officially a "baseball wife" and a number
   one
'walking carpet!'

If he starts drunkenly throwing out
feelings for realz people,
sorry, Oscars. I can now be found.

ITS IN MY BELLY.
Lots of seeds planted!
The best seed? I think it is.
YES!!!! 12 YEARS A SLAVE!!!!!
Can't wait for the new ones to be made.
BEST/WORST IDEA EVER.

Age gracefully, people.
Can you get a name so wrong?
Watch all of the morons stumble by.
My legs are pretty sore.
Well, enough said.

On Valentines Day he was thinking,
happy love-capitalism day;
the end is near.

He's the best valentine.
He wants you to make love tonight
if you love me.

Happy Valentine's Day!
Happy Valentine's Day!
Happy Valentines Day! (Subliminal message)

My heart is so happy!!

Earth Girls Are Easy
is earning the reputation as
this is the cutest thing!

We love clichés
straight out of the container.

Doin the valentine thing
calls for a Valentine's Day nap.

Valentine's dinner:
cute little valentine
candy called Käksuckers.
Valentine's Day goodies!

Valentine's Date Night!
Five hours of animal surgery in Dickies!

Wearing red for Valentine's Day!
Literally what I wear
chowing down on
my second bouquet!!!
A beautiful Valentine's Day bouquet.

My beautiful, furry Valentine
loved her vintage valentine
cuddling with her Valentine.

a wonderful valentines day

In my Vicodin-hazed stupor I said
Happy Valentine's Day to all
all the single ladies out
to all the ladies coming
to dinner with today's Valentine,
the Valentines spread.
Yeah...you jelly.

I got into my first accident,
and that's okay.
Romantic jam for me
is a good bad guy.

Two states in a snowstorm
purposefully asked for something twice.
Let's stay in, eat pizza, and talk
until I am invited on the cooouuucchh
expecting anything but pizza and beer.

Waiting for my Valentine
is my valentine this year.
So. Happy Valentine's Day
to my special Universe Valentine.

Can’t wait to read with y'all.
2 (more) cat poems
I had to share.

I got some bride-to-be's note,
stressed and always running
to a less light-hearted topic
after playing with me.

The "C" is for
counter...UNTIL....
could be a Redwood
could ignore $25M/quarter
because of
simultaneously drinking
the google doodle.

Happy Valentine's Day.
Her milk is delicious.

The day after Valentine's day,
skip down to the landfill:
a Walking Dead Valentine's Day card.

Yummy New Year's Eve.
The best New Years kiss
has to happen ASAP, bitches!!

My happiness
is shorting all my circuits.
Maybe we should shut down.

I forgot how good I feel when
you want to start playing
the raddest noon church bells.

Ring in 2014 with
attention-whoring like this,
full of ups and downs.

Some of my crazy friends love
an outfit tailored for
showing up in major organizations.
Everybody wears rainbows
grocery shopping on major holidays.

The world is my refrigerator.
Today was my first
hot toddy I've ever had.

Bring a little Love my way
at the usual time tomorrow.
What do people use for
Love technology?

I found my wife
looking for a CrossFit program to
   follow.
I think we have found the one!

Follow my adventures.
2014 brings health and happiness
for all the poor people who
love watching them.

An angel and an asshole
are having their baby.
My chances of surviving
a fugue state in which you attempt
happiness and new beginnings
(yours, not mine)
in practice feels like nothing else.

My lil man
made such such beautiful
eyes and hearts open.

Yep, someone stole my
light, love, and life
already so I can
request the difference as a refund.

In case you missed
the solar cycle,
my face wasn't turning
out into the world phase.
Maybe ill be alive next year.

One bomber to the next
sounds like so many others,
killin' em this NYE.
Another great review for
going off to war.
Fight, never die!!

My brand of crazy
is going to be hard to beat.
Listening to my grandma narrate,
I can relate
untold amounts of pain.
None of words.

In relationship to the practice of
sitting in a darkened apartment,
shame on you.
Take a bow and arrow out in
all these illegal
apartment homies.

Every minute that I am alive
I am putting to use.
It doesn't get any better then.
Almost over, right?

Merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry merry to my pretty
regal and freaky xmas.
Bah Humbug......

My favorite line from
a delightful Christmas evening
is definitely a tear jerker.

I wish you a Mense Christmas!

Baby's first Christmas:
thanks for the surprise dad.
All I want for Christmas...is
a cockeyed young-dad smile.

Christmas is remembering
you who have a full house
and strangers down the block
with medication to treat some of them.

I SHALL CONQUER THE WORLD
to take over the world
with my loves.

Y'ALL MEAN THE WORLD
is just one thing I need.
I don't want a lot
words can't express.

Interesting article
wants to talk to
Christmas baby.

Experience the spirit of the present.
Enjoy your presents!
Put all my presents on
the things you wanted most.
Best present I've ever received!!

A robot vacuum cleaner
just visited my moms grave.
Wasn’t feeling at all Christmassy.

Santa has stopped
digging in the presents
or whatever you're into.
Freaked out and ran sacked
from three dozen amazing
stereotypes.

The last time he pointed a gun,
my fellow heathens
opened each present
in such a hideous fashion
my bucket list items
were popping out of  
our love bubble.

Wail til May.
Who else will be
out of love?

Feeling elfish,
my husband just
got down on one knee and asked me to
work serving in the city.
Sex & the City.

My fellow nurses
started feeling worse again.
Why did they decide to dress?

So fortunate to be surrounded by
a horrible cough and runny noise.
I want to have a car payment.

I would send you
peace and love and joy,
but hopefully we can go
have a Dodge Viper and
a blessed girl.

Thank you for
all of the screaming she did,
making me feel like it's a real one.

I'm grateful for all of the awesome
   people
getting hit on by
loved ones this year.

YOU are welcome to
HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY,
a great love filled day!!!
If you are reading this, I
should be sitting at home alone.

Get your tissues ready!
Queen Beyoncé is everything!
A perfect score.

One of the coolest species on the
   planet,
she shouts out, “Wow!”
We are moving after the New Year.

Album condensing project begins.
What can a record label do?
Highlight and articulate a number of
   real problems?

Who the hell decided it was a good idea
to sell things via
long years in magician school?

For some of you guys out there
leaving my warm, cozy bed,
come sing a song
You Didn’t Really Want To.
So my favorite song.

Slightly different criteria might
ride pretty hard to the pharmacy,
an organization that helps funnel
peak power, avg power over
no other reason than its title,
other than illegal rugs.

I’m going to claim my truly mixed
   heritage
does bring out the worst in people.
One of my former labmates
is alive in me today!

Santorum believes a lot of things
I’m not supposed to have my hands in.
Check out my homeboy.

Anyone got tips for
what terrible taste he has in
   cocktails?
Can I get an AMEN?

Just sad my man
donated just a dollar,
actually crying about it.

I feel very attacked by
a real job and a husband
during tummy time
for my fantasy owners.

We’re hiring! Looking for a
still bitter, but always proud
commercial totally
done with facebook games.
I’ll be getting a pretty new cast.

I can’t even be perverted.
I have no idea how to use
some organic, fair trade tampons.
Hideously embarrassing for me!
I would be a victim today!

Waiting for the cops
brings out the crazy in me like
AHHHHHHH. The end.
Gotta love big brothers!!

Eating good chorizo,
the best way to celebrate the end,
I could persuade my cats to
stop watching this
holiday door decorating contest.
I find those fish things
contribute to the GENDER book.

LATER, HATERS!
Have a happy commute.