February 27, 2015
March 6, 2015
Thank you, Leonard Nimoy, for consent to occasionally taking a bottle
until this dress thing blows over...
What color is this dress
with 2 delightful strings attached?
We all, like Disney, draw lines somewhere.
NOOOO SPOCK WHY
do a better job of communicating in the
short term
to release the order to the Federal
Register
?
obvs the dress is white and gold but
I see a white and gold dress
to celebrate Go Texan day while
the kind of thoughtless rage that has
consumed
a whole box of Girl Scout cookies
goes to twitter and clicks follow
this type of ignorance that
is quite inspirational. Go
finally, dope as a team,
team white and gold.
I see black and blue
have no faith in humanity.
I see blue and black but
instead of a trash option in
triumph in yet another
reality show-style scene with table-flipping
what song you were conceived to,
a giant of my childhood,
back alley dealings and underhanded tactics
have a problem with the word “fuck”.
Daddy's job to teach the babe how to make
me some weird glucose numbers
capable of being ashamed.
Bombarded with...
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4-20-14
May 21, 2014
Amazing Easter Sunday with my
beautiful Easter Day today.
Happy Easter from the
Easter Peeps.
My Easter presents
Easter Vigil:
such a good Easter.
Jesus sayeth unto yall "git blazed u
army of marshmallow peeps.
Spirit in the Sky by
a really old guy just
got nothing on her
and can't talk to you."
I spent days working on
being "That Christian,"
cause I'm super duper
deep and multifaceted and
want to be midazzzled
with my future father-in-law
like the space station,
like Santa came.
A little gift from God
hoping those maids step it up
like my mothers
get trashed and leave my kid in
the egg hiding a little too
prepared to Fail.
Easter Egg hunt, pizza, and bounce houses
enjoyed the weight buffet.
For the pain and the stress
do not upgrade unless
anointed with hemp oil.
Unlike Jesus, our bread didn't
cut that time out of your life.
Bought with the precious blood of
the little man,
the cup was my prize.
Has there been traffic on fuckin
with my parents on Easter?
Did the Easter bunny bring me
egg dyeing
to lick the paddle of this
alcohol in 40 days?
a particularly...
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5-11-14
May 15, 2014
in honor of Mother's Day.....let's just say
one giant homage to the mothers
got real at hooters
First Mother's Day wore
a good day to wear a dress,
to pretend nothing is happening
like a hoarding lush.
Skewers for dessert please.
Bring your mom!
Happy Mother's Day,
HAppy Mothers Day
Happy mother's day
Happy mothers day
Happy Mother's Day!
Happy Mothers Day
Happy Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day!!
Happy Mothers Day!
Happy mother's day,
Happy mother's day,
Happy Mother's Day!!
Happy Mother's Day!!!
Happy Mother's Day, Mom!
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO
THE MOTHER'S DAY GOOGLE DOODLE
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!
PROGRESS
Mother's Day.. I have mixed feelings about
attempts to reform Mother's Day
.
So Sara-Mom, here's to you.
Going to fuckin kill you
.
Happy Mother's Day to the amazing
Happy Mom's Day to all the
Happy Mother's Day to
my new baby!
I carry your truths in my
Happy Mother's Day to my
Happy Mothers Day to my
Happy Mother's Day to my
wonder, humor, or voyeurism.
Shout out to the Mamas!
Shout out to my mommy
Happy Mother's Day mommy
Pre Mothers Day with
hazpy mother's day.
Happy Mother's Day to her
Happy Mother's Day to a
Happy Mother's...
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March 17, 2014
March 19, 2014
Every one who desires me ill,
celebrate my Irish heritage today
to celebrate St. Patricks Day.
Kiss Me, I'm Actively Vomiting.
Happy St. Patricks
Happy Saint Paddy's Day!
Happy St. Patty's day!
- Happy Saint Patrick's Day
Happy St. Paddy's Day!
Happy St. Patty's Day!
Ready to celebrate St. Patty's day,
a fun filled St. Patty's Day,
because it's fair that way.
Erin go bragh.
Éirinn go Brách.
Happy St. Patricks Day FB Family.
Alternative St. Patrick's istories and
perspectives:
Extreme Midget Wrestling! Happy St.
Patrick's Day!
There's still no proof
I miss him already.
Everyone in Ireland was just do friendly!
Do a car bomb and chill out.
Good Irish jam.
We all thought he was nuts.
I'll say one thing after last night.
Well that was a big earthquake!
Let me know if you would like details!!!
Please tell me how, when, and why
your kid's friends are stupid and
in a really really really big hurry to
exist.
Happy 6 month old birthday to
a particular operating system.
Free entry into event for you.
Let's get this sit-in rolling again...
someone is 10 months old!
Line 'em up.
One down.
Two down, one to...
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March 2, 2014
March 5, 2014
"I know I speak for everyone …"
Succumb to the plastic nightmare.
Let the oscars begin!
The Oscars have been trying to
take a shot every time
my wedding photographer died
and Twitter has crashed.
Blob conforms to
how much toxic waste that was still in me.
Of course I started to tear up
the only one to thank God.
Holy king cake this is so yummy!
Oscars what now? Happy Bacchus!
I predict Gravity
is a must watch for any
listening to Dark Side of the Moon.
I feel bad for any bald man
listening to Spike Jonze.
HEY YOU GUYS
Bette Middler really
tried to warn us...
when Barbara Hershey dies
the road home today
will be better to be home.
P!nk took 5 seconals
night 2 of the cookoff.
13 hardman points for everyone
chugging for the
happy Mardi gras y'all.
Yay, we met Mickey!
All I want for Christmas is for Leonardo to
like to ride the E.T. ride at Disney
Somewhere,
complete with flamboyant imaginary
feather-boa gestures
while doing some online shopping at
Banana Republic.
You win this round,
Oscars drinking game
didn't quite work for me.
I give partial...
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February 14, 2014
February 19, 2014
On Valentines Day he was thinking,
happy love-capitalism day;
the end is near.
He's the best valentine.
He wants you to make love tonight
if you love me.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Happy Valentine's Day!
Happy Valentines Day! (Subliminal message)
My heart is so happy!!
Earth Girls Are Easy
is earning the reputation as
this is the cutest thing!
We love clichés
straight out of the container.
Doin the valentine thing
calls for a Valentine's Day nap.
Valentine's dinner:
cute little valentine
candy called Käksuckers.
Valentine's Day goodies!
Valentine's Date Night!
Five hours of animal surgery in Dickies!
Wearing red for Valentine's Day!
Literally what I wear
chowing down on
my second bouquet!!!
A beautiful Valentine's Day bouquet.
My beautiful, furry Valentine
loved her vintage valentine
cuddling with her Valentine.
a wonderful valentines day
In my Vicodin-hazed stupor I said
Happy Valentine's Day to all
all the single ladies out
to all the ladies coming
to dinner with today's Valentine,
the Valentines spread.
Yeah...you jelly.
I got into my first accident,
and that's okay.
Romantic jam for me
is a good bad guy.
Two states in a snowstorm
purposefully asked for something twice.
Let's stay in, eat pizza, and talk
until...
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February 2, 2014
February 5, 2014
I have no words.
I have no comments.
I did this one
so no one realizes
the connection between "antiperspirant" and
"antiwar"
is a bar in Denver.
Can they give the Super Bowl
a bar for the superbowl?
Wake up tomorrow on Super Bowl Sunday,
the day after Super Bowl Sunday here.
Philip Seymour Hoffman, what?
You're gonna rock all night to his song.
Phillip Seymour Hoffman????
I never liked Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Philip Seymour Hoffman!
Mr. Philip Seymour Hoffman.
no, philip seymour hoffman, no!
phillip seymour hoffman dying
as disappointing as the Broncos
watching the football show
a lost hero,
the loud american,
that dude screaming.
Choppy start to a Super Bowl
watching the superbowl
up by so much in a Super Bowl.
Happy Super Bowl Sunday
to the Super Bowl but so sad
a song to join us all in brotherhood
is law enforcement targeting those
nodding heads on that game.
This game is boring.
The LEGO Parisian Bistro
scored as many points as I would have.
You ALMOST had me believing there is a god
modifying the model for better looking.
Getting upgraded to a suite helps.
I guess it is bedtime.
3 quarters to score...
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January 1, 2014
January 3, 2014
Yummy New Year's Eve.
The best New Years kiss
has to happen ASAP, bitches!!
My happiness
is shorting all my circuits.
Maybe we should shut down.
I forgot how good I feel when
you want to start playing
the raddest noon church bells.
Ring in 2014 with
attention-whoring like this,
full of ups and downs.
Some of my crazy friends love
an outfit tailored for
showing up in major organizations.
Everybody wears rainbows
grocery shopping on major holidays.
The world is my refrigerator.
Today was my first
hot toddy I've ever had.
Bring a little Love my way
at the usual time tomorrow.
What do people use for
Love technology?
I found my wife
looking for a CrossFit program to
follow.
I think we have found the one!
Follow my adventures.
2014 brings health and happiness
for all the poor people who
love watching them.
An angel and an asshole
are having their baby.
My chances of surviving
a fugue state in which you attempt
happiness and new beginnings
(yours, not mine)
in practice feels like nothing else.
My lil man
made such such beautiful
eyes and hearts open.
Yep, someone stole my
light, love, and life
already so...
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December 25, 2013
December 26, 2013
Merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry
merry merry to my pretty
regal and freaky xmas.
Bah Humbug......
My favorite line from
a delightful Christmas evening
is definitely a tear jerker.
I wish you a Mense Christmas!
Baby's first Christmas:
thanks for the surprise dad.
All I want for Christmas...is
a cockeyed young-dad smile.
Christmas is remembering
you who have a full house
and strangers down the block
with medication to treat some of them.
I SHALL CONQUER THE WORLD
to take over the world
with my loves.
Y'ALL MEAN THE WORLD
is just one thing I need.
I don't want a lot
words can't express.
Interesting article
wants to talk to
Christmas baby.
Experience the spirit of the present.
Enjoy your presents!
Put all my presents on
the things you wanted most.
Best present I've ever received!!
A robot vacuum cleaner
just visited my moms grave.
Wasn’t feeling at all Christmassy.
Santa has stopped
digging in the presents
or whatever you're into.
Freaked out and ran sacked
from three dozen amazing
stereotypes.
The last time he pointed a gun,
my fellow heathens...
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December 17, 2013
December 21, 2013
Get your tissues ready!
Queen Beyoncé is everything!
A perfect score.
One of the coolest species on the
planet,
she shouts out, “Wow!”
We are moving after the New Year.
Album condensing project begins.
What can a record label do?
Highlight and articulate a number of
real problems?
Who the hell decided it was a good idea
to sell things via
long years in magician school?
For some of you guys out there
leaving my warm, cozy bed,
come sing a song
You Didn’t Really Want To.
So my favorite song.
Slightly different criteria might
ride pretty hard to the pharmacy,
an organization that helps funnel
peak power, avg power over
no other reason than its title,
other than illegal rugs.
I’m going to claim my truly mixed
heritage
does bring out the worst in people.
One of my former labmates
is alive in me today!
Santorum believes a lot of things
I’m not supposed to have my hands in.
Check out my homeboy.
Anyone got tips for
what terrible taste he has in
cocktails?
Can I get an AMEN?
Just sad my man
donated just a dollar,
actually crying about it.
I feel very attacked...
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